Trapped in My Closet, Chapter 1
R. Kelly has built a cottage industry of his “Trapped in the Closet” urban melodrama (in case you’ve been, well, trapped in a closet, check out this very funny Cliff’s Notes summary). While I find the adulterers hiding in closets (not to mention the lusty little person hiding in a kitchen cabinet) vastly amusing, I think I could write my own, equally entertaining R&B opera about what’s trapped in my closet.
Here goes:
9 o’clock in the morning and the start of Regis shakes me
I’m showering and drying my hair oh so quickly for me
Then the voice in my head tells me to get outta the bathroom
Then I come out and look there and to my surprise I have no clue
Now I’ve got this dumb look on my face like what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to not lay out my clothes in the morning sun?
Must have lost the track of time, oh what was on my mind?
From the bed went to my desk, didn’t plan to read that long
Here I am quickly trying to pick out my clothes
Searching for my sweater, trying to match the skirt on the floor
Then I stretch my hands in front of me
Thought, “You can’t dress this way”
Looked in the mirror — looked crazy
Thought, “Woman, who looks this way?”
Brain said, “I got a meeting at ten”
Heart said, “Please don’t go out sloppy”
“Lordy I’ve got to leave home”
I thought my outfit was coming together
“Need some shoes, hurry up and look in the closet”
Heart said, “Don’t you look a mess or your rep is going down”
Brain said, “Why don’t you just wear the Manolos”
“Yes, except for one thing, you’ve worn them before”
Think, think… “Quick, look deep in the closet”
But before I search this darkest closet for better shoes…
Check under the bed (bed)
Then under the dresser (dresser)
I look at the closet (closet)
I pull myself together (together)
I walk up to the closet (closet)
I’m close up to the closet (closet)
Now I’m at the closet (closet)
Now I’m opening the closet (closet, closet, closet)…
Want to take a peek at what happens when the closet door finally swings open? Ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing entertainment, here’s Shoetopia. (Sorry Mac people — Windows PCs with Internet Explorer only for the moment.)
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