Monday: maize Prada pumps

On any given Saturday night, you’ll see a lot of, um, interesting things on the streets of New York City. And when it’s two days before Halloween…

The guy in the ghoulishly white face makeup? Not even celebrating the holiday. The woman with the conservative navy blue suit and the cross around her neck? Dressed up as Harriet Miers.

I was invited to two Halloween parties on Saturday night, one a costume party and one not. Now that created a terrible conundrum that often paralyzes me even when wigs and prosthetics aren’t involved: Would you rather be underdressed or overdressed for an event? I always think I’d rather be overdressed, but really I’d rather be perfectly dressed, but that’s not always in the cards, now is it? And it’s one thing if you’re wearing a de la Renta gown when everyone else is in cocktail dresses; it’s quite another once you throw in wigs and prosthetics.

This Halloween I was a trick and treat — a VIP, if you will (Very Important Prisoner). I put on an orange prison jumpsuit, rolled up the pant legs (to better showcase the Prada boots with four-inch heels) — and put some pasties on (over the costume, please!). I wore a long pink wig and leopard-print press-on nails (I traded a pack of smokes for that manicure). I had on dark lipliner with light lipstick (ewwww). I drew on a mole above my upper lip. I cinched my waist with a leopard-print belt. I carried a fox-fur stole. Yes, that’s right, I was Lil’ Kim.

But I would need to make a quick change for the second, non-costume party, so I decided to wear jeans and a black sweater underneath my costume. Big mistake, because let me tell you, Lil’ Kim would not like how zaftig she looked in two layers of clothing: We’re talking Janet Jackson proportions minus the butt-slapping. So I had to come up with a new back story. Not only was I Lil’ Kim in prison — I was Lil’ Kim in prison while PMSing (another pack of smokes for a box of chocolates)!